May 2010
Beaman's Grazier Farm  

Humor for Mother's Day


1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."  

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You'd better pray that will come out of the carpet." 

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" 

4. My mother taught me LOGIC
" Because I said so, that's why." 

5. ...and MORE LOGIC
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." 

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." 

7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about." 

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper." 

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!" 

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." 

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!" 

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." 

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
"Stop acting like your father!" 

15. My mother taught me about ENVY
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't 
have wonderful parents like you do." 

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION
"Just wait until we get home." 

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING
"You are going to get it when you get home!" 

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way." 

19. My mother taught me ESP
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?" 

20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." 

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 

22. My mother taught me GENETICS."You're just like your father." 

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" 

24. My mother taught me WISDOM
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand." 

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.” 


According to Bill

When we moved to this farm in 1982 we had four different sets of neighbors living in houses less than a mile away.  Those building sites now all lay empty. We have people farming the land right by us that I don’t even know. Some of them travel over fifty miles to get here. They come in with giant rigs, farm fast, and get out.  As I work in my fields I marvel at the giant planters being pulled up and down the road, some capable of planting as many as 24 rows at a time. Most of the people driving by, I don’t even know. What a change in agriculture! 

Talk turns to how many “thousand”  acres the big farmers farm.  It brings back some thoughts I had a few years ago about defining “big” farmers and “small” farmers. Most people want to define the scope of your operation purely by the number of acres you farm. I see it in a different light. 

To me a “big” farmer is one who: 

1) Makes a “big” deal out of taking care of the natural resources on his/her land. Often times, operators who farm thousands of acres don’t have the time or incentive to worry about eroded ditches, worn out fences or dilapidated building sites.  

2) Makes a big deal out of creating a “sustainable” farming system, both financially and environmentally.  Is the person who makes only $20 an acre farming thousands of acres and only does that by relying on government subsidies and crop insurance, while taking away acres from a beginning farmer, actually a “sustainable” farmer for his/her community? 

3) Makes a “big” deal out of trying to develop an opportunity for his/her children or some other young people to have an opportunity to farm. 

4) Makes a “big” effort to play a role in the leadership in their local communities. Often times, people who farm ultra large chunks of land just don’t have, or want to have, the time to help their local churches, school groups, 4-H etc.  Or worse yet, they don’t live in the community they farm in and don’t care about local issues. 

If a “small” farmer is the opposite of these things listed above, then I believe that someone farming thousands of acres, driving millions of dollars worth of the biggest and newest machinery, could actually be classified as a “small” farmer.  And yes, there are those who farm small farms and also make a small contribution to the care of their land and community.  The moral to this story is if the United States taxpayer is going to continue subsidizing agriculture, they need to put some thought into what their priorities are.


Thanks to our
Junior Sheep Herdsmen and Grandson, Chas, for helping to provide some pictures of our new spring lambs.


to view a video of
our sheep being sheared!


Most of you who are reading this newsletter are aware that with the help of my wife and daughter, I’ve recently released a new murder mystery.  Many people ask how this project is going. The answer is, great!  We’ve distributed nearly 200 copies since the published books arrived at our farm in mid-April. We had to learn a lot about getting a book published and now are learning a lot about book marketing. Both ends of the project have been a lot of fun, especially the new people and friends you make along the way. 

Some of you have asked if there is another book on the way?  The answer to that is “yes”.  It will be a sequel to “The Iowa Farmer’s Wife” and I hope it is available for sale March 1 of 2011.  But remember how overly optimistic I was on the time table for the first book.   We invite you to follow our website, and my blog for updates. 

Beaman's Grazier Farm
2817 185th St. / Bedford, IA 50833
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